The Onion: Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While

October 14, 2013 • Climate Change & Mitigation, Family Planning, Daily Email Recap

Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While
‘Let’s Just See How We’re Doing In A Few Years’ Humanity Decides

PLANET EARTH-Facing what it called “a lot of uncertainty” on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be “just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being.”

“Having children can be a wonderful thing, but to be honest, we’ve got our hands pretty full right now as it is,” the statement, issued by the entirety of the human race, read in part. “While there’s nothing quite like seeing the world anew through the eyes of a child, maybe it’s best to give it a few years. See what things look like a few years down the road. We’ve got a lot on our plate, and let’s be realistic: Another couple billion children might not be the best idea at this point.”

“It’s not necessarily a permanent decision,” the statement continued. “We just want to take it slow for now until things are a bit more stable, you know?”

The statement went on to say that, while human civilization is disappointed in some ways about postponing additional childbirths, especially given the fact that all kids are very special and provide a great source of joy, the species agreed that, overall, this decision was for the best.

“Now is our chance to get around to some of those things we had to put on the back burner because of kids,” read another section of the carefully worded statement. “You know how we’ve been meaning to figure out how to keep the international food-distribution system in place and functioning after the nonrenewable fossil fuels run out? Or make sure that enough rain forests remain to keep oxygen in the atmosphere? Or just basically set aside more ‘us’ time in general?”

Human society added that there was already barely enough time in the day to raise its children while also ensuring basic human rights for the existing population, averting a potential collapse of the international monetary system, and finally getting around to its oft-procrastinated goal of solving the massive climate-change crisis before lots and lots of people die.

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